Mommy Meltdown Madness

Confession time.   I have had temper tantrums in front of my sons.    Complete mommy meltdowns. Not mother of the year moments, that’s for sure.  

What I’ve come to realize is that these moments will happen to me again.   It will happen to all of us at some time.   Instead of pretending the madness isn’t there, I started thinking how do I get through my mommy meltdowns without a bottle of wine and shame?   By letting go and reversing roles.   Being vulnerable with my sons.  

I unintentionally tested my theory over the weekend.   I have two sons, ages 8 and 9.   They are twelve months apart.   They both woke up moody.   They know how to push each other’s -and my - buttons.   I had to get out of the house.   You know those days.   Get the children out of the house before we have a mass murder in here! 

As I was driving them to the local amusement arcade, I lost it.   I had a mommy meltdown.   I had enough.  

The boys started throwing DVDs at each other in the back seat of the car.   Both are star athletes and those disc cases are hard.   The younger one got whacked in the nose and started crying. 

I just reacted.  I pulled the car over. 

“What are you doing, Mommy?” asked my 8 year old through his tears.   Let me tell you, my son:

         I am pulling over into this subdivision.   I am stopping this

         car.  I am taking all those DVD’s and putting them into the

         trunk.   You know I organized all those for you and these          

         are the ones we don’t watch anymore.   I’m giving them away.  

        And then you two throw them at each other (I had a sentimental 

        moment a few minutes earlier about a DVD called Mighty Machines.   

        I thought of how many times we watched it when they were young.                      

        This should have been red flag of impending meltdown.)

        You know I’m staying at home and getting things in order.            

         I’ve been here with you and I like it.   A lot.   But today

         I have felt unappreciated.   Like it doesn’t matter

         what I do or how I feel.   This fighting between the two of you is 

         killing me.  (Every good meltdown has some melodrama.) 

         It’s gotta stop!!

The boys stared at me.   They listened.   They handed me the DVD’s.   No throwing.   Their eyes were wide.   We drove in silence for about 15 minutes.   It was tense.   I thought about turning around and going home.   But I didn’t.   In that silence, I realized what I needed to do.   Turning around was the exact opposite thing of what I, and my boys, needed at that moment.

I needed to give them a chance.   I needed to reenter the moment.   First, I had to let my anger go.   That’s hard.  It is not healthy to keep anger.   It boils up inside me and I get resentful.   So I needed to let the anger go.   Open myself up again to my boys.

After I let the anger go, I reversed roles with my boys.   They were probably a bit scared.   Meltdowns are not calm.   They needed my love.   They also needed to know that I let it go.   I am not angry anymore.  

So after about 15 minutes of tense silence in the car, still driving to the amusement arcade, I spoke.   It was a tender voice, “Are you hungry?  Do you want to stop at McDonald’s?”  What I heard was, “A little.  I don’t care.”   But it was my opening.  

After we got our food, we talked.   It wasn’t about the meltdown.   That had to be later that night.   I didn’t forget to apologize.  I apologized for getting angry.   More importantly, I thanked them for letting me back in.   To having a fun afternoon.   That I felt like they appreciated me and we had lots of fun.   And the great thing is, that they did too.   We both had reversed roles.   And let our angry go. 

Life is all about reversing roles.  How many times have you heard the phrases, “Walk a mile in my shoes” and  “If only you could see it through my eyes.”   This is possible.  We can look at a situation or issue through somebody else’s eyes.  By reversing roles, we can empathy.   We can forgive and let go.

How do we use reverse roles as parents?  We instinctively do it, even as new parents.   When our baby cries, we cuddle him. We know he needs contact, food or diaper change.  When we reversed roles (mostly by instinct in these moments), we knew our baby needed one of a few things from us.    If we are tired or frustrated, we still do it.    Instinct forces us too.   To make sure our baby survives.  

Somewhere along the way, we lose our instinct to reverse roles with our child.    And by not reversing roles with our children as they get older, they are not given models on how to keep that natural ability.   They learn to feed their own ego first.   How great would it feel if your child saw you come home late one night from work and just gave you a hug and said, “You had a long day, didn’t you?”  

We all just want to be noticed.   To feel understood.   Reversing roles meets both of those needs.

This is no way scientific or proven.   Yet, as a mother for almost ten years, who has her share of mommy meltdowns, these are the steps that help me flow out of them:

5 Steps to Flow Out of Mommy Meltdown

1.   Access Situation

This step is critical.  We all have moments everyday which frustrates us a parents.   Not all are meltdown worthy.    Don’t cry wolf.   Ask yourself, “Is this a big deal?  Do I feel unable to deal with this?”   Answer is usually no.   Take a breath, and parent.    Let the frustration go and chalk it up to what nobody ever told you about being a parent.

2.  Share How You Feel

If the situation is meltdown worthy, and you are unable to stop it, then share.    Share how you are feeling at that moment.  

It is so easy to blame.   I am guilty of this.   I have once told my sons, in the midst of a road trip back from Kentucky, that they ruined a vacation.   Now I realized I was the one causing the tension because I felt unappreciated and used.   I should have told them this instead of saying they ruined a vacation.  

Words are powerful.   We all have at least one memory of words that another has told us that still cause pain.    We don’t forget words.   So chose the words carefully when you are in meltdown mode.    The fewer the better.   Focus on how you feel instead of what happened and blame.

3.  Stop!

Do not let yourself talk (yell, cry or whatever your favorite emotion is during a meltdown) for more than 60 seconds.   This is so important.   

This is not a time for you to spew everything out there.   Your child is not a punching bag.   This is not where you vent.  

At football practice, I saw a dad yelling at his 10-year-old son for four minutes.   It felt like eternity.  The father got eye-to-eye with the boy and just yelled.   Saying nasty things to the boy.   I wanted to jump in.   To tell the dad to Stop!   But I didn’t.    I felt such empathy for that boy.    No one needs another yelling at him or her for minutes.   That boy will never forget that moment.   I will not either as I remember the boy’s face and the dad’s anger when I am in meltdown.   So I shut up after sharing my feelings.   I am working on getting better at this and editing my sharing.  

4.   Let It Go

This is a hard one for me.   I tend to hold on to hurt.   It shows up in passive aggressive ways.   It is always destructive.

Since taking a sabbatical, I have been working on letting go of my anger.   Actually letting go of any destructive feeling.  Anger, blame, sadness, helplessness.    I ask myself, “What do you need?”   Usually it is love and empathy.   “Can you get that in a state of anger or sadness?”  Nope, not easily.   “Is this emotion serving you any purpose?”    Nope.   So let it go.  

Wouldn’t you rather be connecting with another person than stewing in your anger or sadness?   You can only do this if you let go the emotions that you felt in the meltdown.   Letting go doesn’t mean giving up.   Just the opposite.   You are allowing yourself to get into an emotional space to connect.   To heal.  To receive the love and empathy that you needed before your meltdown.

It’s scary to let go of anything.   It leaves one vulnerable.   Open to get hurt again.   To feel ignored.  But it is also opens us to having wonderful moments connecting with each other.   

5.  Reenter after Reversing Roles with Your Child

After you have let it go, you need to reverse roles with your child.   What does my child need right now?   And usually, just like you, he or she needs love and empathy.   They need you to know you may have scared them with the meltdown.   That they are sorry.   They love you and want to play again.  

Reversing roles makes you realize this is not about you anymore.  It's about them.  You are back as their parent.  Meltdown is over.    You can all feel safe again.

What people most want is another chance.  Give it to them.  

We all crumble into madness at one time or another.   It may not be in your role as a mother.   It may be in your role as friend, son, or co-worker.   We all lose it sometime.   The good news is that we are in this together.   There are things to do to get back into the flow of life after a meltdown. 

For me, after going through the steps above and not turning the car around, it meant that my boys and I got back into the flow of living.   It meant that I was number one laser tag player on my team.   I got much respect from the 12-year-old boys and the two other dads.   It meant challenging the boys to my favorite video game as a child, Pac Man.   It means that meltdowns are a part of life.   And most importantly, it means that a meltdown doesn’t have to ruin a whole day or even an hour.   They are passing as long as I let it go and reverse roles with my boys.