”He Should Have Had a Better Attorney”  says Commenter

Opening Up and Risking Rejection

Today The Detroit News ran a human interest story about me. www.detroitnews.com/story/life/columnists/marney-rich-keenan/2014/10/29/attorney-takes-sabbatical-stay-home-mom/18159245.

They wanted to talk to me about my murder trial and timing of my sabbatical.  

On Monday, Marney Kennan, a reporter for the Detroit News, came to my house.  We chatted for an hour and a half.   I told her how touched I was that somebody was interested in my story.   Even more than that, I felt like Marney really listened and understood me during the interview.   It was like chatting with an old friend. Marney told me about her children and job.   She told me that I’d never regret taking a sabbatical.

The only way we connected is that we both revealed things to each other.   We revealed emotion, not just facts.   We could have just told each other how many kids we each have and their ages.    Instead, we got deeper.   We both revealed our emotions about being a working mother.   How life goes by so quickly.    She felt like a wise older sister.    As we were talking about my murder trial, she said, “You are the type of attorney I would want.”   It felt good.   And I told her that.   Instead of saying, no, no or averting my eyes, I took the compliment.   I felt it and appreciated it.   I want to tell people how their words make me feel, good or bad.   More than that even, I want to feel how a person’s words make me feel, good and bad.

A media relation’s expert would have died if they had been present during the interview.   I gave opinions on the trial judge, revealed my shame at crying in the courtroom, and talked about my personal relationship with my client Ted.   I took a risk in revealing so much.   It’s a risk I am taking now.   Sometimes that risk will pay off, and sometimes it won’t.   I may be rewarded with a warm feeling or I may be punished with cruel words or people misinterpreting me.   Is the risk of being vulnerable worth it?

Yes it is.   Well at least that is what I’m learning.   

I’ve already been mocked and put down by Detroit News’ reader comments such as these:

Jason Matthew · Top Commenter

Wafer should have hired a better attorney.

     Leodis Elliott – Well Jason.   As Kwame incorrectly stated his lawyer

     done set him up to claim ineffective assistance of counsel in his

     quest for another trial. 

I can take the name calling.   It does hurt though.   I won’t pretend it doesn’t. My husband didn’t want to tell me about these comments.    He was trying to protect me.   I can take it because I reverse roles with these commenter’s.   I think their anger is about the case, racism and gun control.   Not about me.   

However, Leodis was in the mood to comment more on the article and me.   This time he hit home:

Leodis Elliott · Please with the effen emotional neurotic drama. Bob

Bashara needs you to fight as he is an underdog who murdered his wife just 

as that old paranoid trigger happy white man senselessly murdered that young             woman. Most lawyers accept or are thrust into challenging cases. Do your best, accept the verdict, and get ready for the next case. And if you can't stand the heat get out and stay out of the kitchen at least while the stove is on.

  

This comment hurt more because it mocks my shame.  Crying in the courtroom.   Did I try a case too much on emotion?   Some attorney friends have told me this and hell knows a lot of the public said this.    I don’t know.   I tried a case with the emotion of fear for one’s life.   Of panic and anger and fear, at different levels, at different times.   It was the truth and I can’t hide the emotional truth.   Should I have changed it?   Told Ted, never ever say that and when you said you were full of piss and vinegar to the police, let’s shade that statement or explain it away.  Or should I have hid it?   Just have Ted tell the facts of what he did, without feelings?   Or should I have done an opening statement without emotion?   Should I become more clinical and exact?

I couldn’t.   Because no matter how people are uncomfortable that a bit of Ted was mad when he got his shotgun, it is the truth.    He was more afraid than angry.    I can never understand how someone can kill in self-defense if they are not a little angry.   You need the anger to fight.   Fight or flight.   Yet it’s hard to swallow this.   To accept feelings that may seem contradictory but aren’t.    Just to accept feelings and not put blame on them.   You shouldn’t feel like that!   How many times have we felt like this in our life or somebody has told us that.

Tears and emotion are hard for society to accept.   Happiness or sadness is only understood only if they are related to a socially appropriate event.    Tears from an attorney in the courtroom is not socially acceptable.    Why?   Don’t lawyers feel?    Isn’t good storytelling and advocacy done with passion and emotion?

This weekend, I was reminded of this again.   I was teaching at the Trial Lawyers College seminar on closing arguments.   I worked with a student who was struggling to connect with the jurors during closing argument.   I saw the problem.   He was just saying words, like reading from a script.    None of us felt any love or compassion for his client.    So we did a retake.   He did it again, after exploring his feelings for his client and what happened to her.   This time the “jurors” were on the edge of their seat.    They wanted to help him.    The lawyer showed his sadness for a husband losing his wife after being married for 30 years.   This lawyer was thinking of his own wife and the thought of losing her.   He tried to hide his tears that came naturally.    When he wiped away the tears and became clinical, he lost his connection to the jurors.  

I am not sure if this attorney will really open up his feelings in court.   He’s old school and has been taught real men don’t cry or show emotion.  

Just think if lawyers showed their compassion in every step of the legal process.   It would take hold.    Judges would become more empathetic.   The attorneys would stop fighting so hard against one another.   The fighting wouldn’t stop but the vicious nature of it might.  

Just think if the commenter to the news article let go of his anger towards the case and me.   If he felt what was deeper inside him.   It’s more than anger.   He’s been hurt by racism or family member killed/injured by a gun.   He is taking it out on me.   Because his side won.  They got a murder conviction.   Got 17 years in prison for a 55 year old man.   So why does the anger at me linger?  He’s never dealt with the bigger issue in his life.  

Although the mean comments are hard to read, it’s part of being vulnerable.   I have to open up in order to feel connected to others.   I risk being rejected by many for opening up and being emotional.   Some already has rejected me.   But far more have connected with me and me with them.   

This is a lesson to remember the only way to feel connected with others, is to take risk of vulnerability and opening up.    Pain will come from it.   Some people don’t like it and will tell you.   Try to shame you.   But I promise the beauty of the connections, like the one I will always have with the newspaper reporter and from comments from people who identify with me, far outweigh the rejection.

To read more about the Power of Vulnerability, read and watch Brene Brown.   She gets it.   To get a taste of Brene Brown, watch this 20 minute TedTalk: 

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

Improv Wisdom - 13 Ways to Live in Moment

Improv Wisdom -
        13 Ways to Live in Moment, Happily!!

          

I am on a plane on way to Seattle.  I am going to teach closing argument for Gerry Spence's Trial Lawyers College.  

Sitting next to me is Dennis Whittie.  He is coming to intern.  He just graduated law school, works as police officer and taking bar exam.   I met Dennis when I judged him in his law school trial class.   

Dennis is excited to take part of this trial skills program.  I am excited to teach and see old friends. 

We just finished talking about improv.  I am excited to play improv with my friends and hopefully get a chance to teach the students improv way of life.  I am convinced improv is the secret to happiness and success in whatever you do.  Doesn't matter if you're lawyer, stay at home mom or teacher.  It applies to living. 

I just had improv moment while playing board game with family.  It was charades based game. 

Children are master improvisers.  They know how to take a cardboard box and turn it into a rocket in the moment.  Imagination is all they need.  

Plus, children aren't self conscious.  They walk up to kids they don't know and ask, "Wanna play?"  Or better yet, they just join the game on the playground.  Who needs invitation? Just jump in.  Be in the moment.  They don't wonder, "Will anybody like me?"  They just do it.   

I saw a TedTalk where the presenter asked everyone to draw a 1 minute picture of person next to them.   Every drawer was self conscious in their ability and how their drawing would be judged.   The one being drawn was worried about the pimple on their face or having bad hair day.  Neither person was connecting with each other during this intimate moment.  Each was worried about themselves.  Joy was replaced by self conscious feelings.  

When kids draw a picture of each other, the mood is different.  The kid drawer holds up the picture with pride. The kid getting drawn loves seeing the picture no matter what it looks like.   The kids connect with each other and experience joy in a simple thing. 

Where and when did adults lose this ability? I think when puberty hits we become self conscious.  Fear fills us.  What if we look or sound stupid.  We censor ourselves.  We try to fit in and be like everyone else.  We fear yes.  

I want us to return to being kids.  No fear of failure.   Be in the moment and enjoy what you're doing.  

My husband is a pediatrician.  He loves kid patients because they don't worry about the future.  They aren't weighed down with thoughts of mortality and mortgages.  He can joke with them even when in intensive care unit.  

I propose we all be kids again.  Sounds fun, doesn't it?   Well how do we do this?   Live life with improv.   

One of my favorite books is Improv Wisdom by Patricia Ryan Madison.   It is a short, fast read that contains much wisdom and joy.  A colleague whom I've taught and played improv, Jerry Bosch, shared this book with me.  It is one of the wisest and truest books I've ever read.  

Madison writes of 13 Principles of Improv.  For my next 13 blog posts, I will write of each principle.   

First principle and most important is to 

                   1)  SAY YES!

When the answer to all questions is yes you enter a new world, Madison points out. There is now a world  of action, possibility and adventure 

Humans long to connect.  Yes glues them together.  No drives them apart.  

Take this example which I'm sure we have all experienced:

You:          Let's go to new steakhouse to eat 

Partner:   No, I don't feel like steak.

                 (Then Silence)

You:          How about about chinese?

Partner:     Nah, don't feel like that either.  

You:          What do u want??!

Partner:     I don't know.  

How frustrating is this conversation?  To me, very!  I've been on both ends and neither is fun.  It's classic blocking.  Every suggestion is met with a no.   The person suggesting is getting rejected.  Over and over.  Worse yet, they don't bring anything not bringing to table.  There are no suggestions or ideas.  Just no.   

How many times do we do this in real life?  I bet if you paid attention, you could count this happening everyday.  Let's stop all this blocking.  All it takes is you.  

The yes, and principle is essential to improv and life.  In Improv Wisdom, the author writes of how magical the word yes can be:

"When the answer to all questions is yes, you enter a new world, a world of action, possibility and adventure."  

Was there any action in the conversation I wrote of above?  Nope.  Just blocking.  It is a lonely feeling being blocked by your partner.  How many times do we say no just out of habit or fear?   When your partner says, "Let's go run around in the rain!"   What's your response?   Yes or no?   Yes is more fun.  It's living in the moment.  It's accepting an invitation to action.  No is telling your partner you aren't really interested in doing what they want.  No shows zero interest in making other person happy.  

Saying yes is happiness.  If you want to be happy, be around people who say yes.  Who are up for adventure and fun.  How easy would it have been to say yes in the above conversation?  Instead it's a dead end that leaves both people frustrated.   

Another problem with the conversation is that the partner just said no and didn't bring another idea.  In improv, you have to bring something to the stage.  You can't just stand there and let other person do all the talking.   It's called bringing a brick to build a house.  You both bring bricks to the house and build together.  

The partner only needed to offer suggestion. To be part of conversation with you.   To make you feel listened to.   Just imagine how different you would feel if you partner said no but then said, "I love idea of going out to eat.  How about Thai instead?"   Yes, instead is much better than No.   

Blocking stops any conversation and idea.  Then why do we do it?   In Improv Wisdom, one answer is that blocking/saying no is our way of trying to control the future.  It can be scary and unknown to say yes.  It's easier to say no.  Let's just make something at home than go out to eat.  

So I challenge all of you to say yes to something you were going to say no.  Start small.   When a friend asks you to go out to lunch or join them for exercise class, say yes!   Then be in the moment and see what happens.  

Next blog post - improv principle #2

     DON'T PREPARE.  

“Aren’t You on Sabbatical?”

 Why this Question Touches a Nerve in Me

It’s been about a month since I gave up my law office and majority of caseload.  I focus my energy on my family and myself, rather than my clients.   Everyday, I have taken my boys to bus stop and picked them up in afternoon.   My days are from 8:30am to 4:00 pm.   I do my things between these hours.   I made a commitment to my boys and myself.   I am a stay at home mom.   They no longer ask who is picking them up at bus stop, as they know I will be there.    They no longer mistakenly call me Jenny, our former babysitter.   That always hurt the most.   Those slips of the tongue told me that my boys spent more time with babysitter than me.   It was not making me happy.   So I changed how I lived my life.  

Yesterday, I was on the local news debating teens and sexting.   I am firmly in the camp that this shouldn’t be a criminal act.   The lawmakers who make these laws and prosecutors, who enforce laws, are not in touch with teens today.   Lawmakers and prosecutors did not grow up in a technological era.   We didn’t have cell phones or Facebook.   Our flirting as teens came in form of written notes passed out in school.   Today, flirting includes sexting.   It’s time for lawmakers and prosecutors to understand this.   Charging these teens with child sexually abusive material (child porn) is ridiculous.   These aren’t old men taking photos of young children for deviant sexual purpose.   That’s the purpose of the law.   Not to stigmatize our teens as either criminals or victims when they are neither.

So I was very excited to go on local news to debate this.   I put it on Facebook.    Two friends of mine posted on my wall, “What happened to the sabbatical?”  I didn’t expect this question.   For some reason, it made me mad.   I felt very defensive.   My one friend realized that I was defensive and he apologized to me.   He didn’t mean any disrespect.  

In turn, I apologized to him.    I overreacted based on my own personal issues.   Not that my friends were challenging me or calling me a hypocrite.   It was the hypocrite part that really bothered me.   I felt like a hypocrite.   Didn’t I publically proclaim my sabbatical and stay at home mom status?   Now I’m working.  I’m talking out both sides of my mouth.  

I’ve come to realize that I’m not a hypocrite.   I am doing what I want now.   No more being a slave to my overhead at the office, having to take cases I don’t want or not passionate in.  

What is a Sabbatical?   Merriam-Webster dictionary defines sabbatical as:

            a period of time during which someone does

            not work at his or her regular job and is able

            to rest, travel, do research, etc.

That’s exactly what I’m doing.   I’m not a hypocrite (and it’s important for me to realize I’m calling myself a hypocrite, not my friends).    I am taking time off the grind of the office and work.   Of waiting in court for two hours, to put a 5 minute appearance on the record.   I can’t tell you how frustrating and stressed those mornings would make me.   A sabbatical is only when one is not doing their regular job.   It doesn’t mean that a person can’t work or focus on their passions whether it is law related or gardening.  A sabbatical opens up the world.   It gives one a chance to do something different, to take a risk.   To re-energize.  

Another thing that bothered me about yesterday is the reaction from colleagues about my Facebook post.   Here is my post:

Watch me on Fox2 News tonight between 10:00-10:30pm.  Doing Let it Rip with 

 Charlie Langton. I'll have a thing or two to say about sexting and the possibility of 

 teens getting charged in rochester hills. Great thing about sabbatical is I don't care so                              much of who I may offend with my viewpoints. Sexting should not be a crime. 

The    prosecutors charging these cases are my age or older. They have never lived 

in era where flirting includes sexting. And anal sex doesn't mean you lose virginity.             

Or rainbow parties where girls give blow jobs to boys with dif color lipstick. 

This is happening with our kids. We need sex Ed and therapy NOT criminalization.

I received “warnings” from three different colleagues about how I’m going to “goad” the prosecutor into charging these kids with a crime.   I really don’t understand what I said in this post to make them feel like that.   It might have been my statement that I don’t care anymore what people think about what I say.   That statement is so unlike me and unexpected.  So maybe people thought I was losing my mind and I might go off on the air.   

I did not mean in this way.   What I meant, and one friend posted it accurately, is that I am going to speak my mind on what I think is fair in just in criminal justice system.   I am not worried anymore that I may say something wrong and offend a prosecutor or blow a case for client.   I’ve come to realize if I speak from my heart and brain, passion and facts combined, I am powerful.   It is when I censor myself, when I’m worried how my comments are taken by another, I lose some of my power.  

I also think I’m smart enough not to blow up a case for a criminal defense attorney, even if I’m not the attorney of record.  

Yesterday, I had many lessons.   First, never try to figure out why a person wrote something about you.   Don’t try to get in their mind as it’s impossible and we are likely to misconstrue what other person meant.   Instead, ask yourself, “Why did that comment affect me so much?”   Look inside yourself.  

Too many times we unfairly personalize comments others make.  We create anger and hurt in ourselves when we don’t even know why a person is making a statement.  It’s not about the statement, it’s how it makes you feel.  

Sabbatical, to me, is doing what makes me happy.   This in turn, makes those around you happy.   My boys are so much happier and there is less fighting in the house now that I’m home.   My boys are picking up on my happiness.  I will continue to teach trial skills, make TV appearances, and have a case or two.   Criminal defense law is in my blood and I would never be happy if I completely gave up law and reforming the sex offender registry.

This year I will work on not taking other’s comments personally.   Not to read into a comment except for tapping into myself to see why the comment affected me in the way it did.  If I do this, I know I will be even happier.

Mom vs Mom – Never Ending War

It's another battle of mom vs mom.  It’s a war that never ends.   Been around since beginning of time.   Who is a better mom?  Whose children are the most intelligent and beautiful?  Who does the job the best?  Who in the rat’s ass cares?!   

I read a blog entry by a stay at home mom yesterday. www.lifetimemoms.com/parenting/stay-home-moms-shut-up  The author, a stay at home mom, raised a new, uninteresting, battle.   #lifetimemoms.  Stay at home mom vs stay at home mom. The writer of this blog is frustrated with stay at home moms who complain how hard their lives are. How they have to be chauffeur, cook and accountant every day. The writer tells the other moms to shut up and do something.

I disagree with how this writer wants to pit mom vs mom.   But I agree with one thing- Stop Complaining and Do Something. If you are not happy, change how you're living. Do something different. Take a risk.

Would you rather spend energy complaining about what is, or take action for what could be.

            The real question is:   Are you happy?  Because if you are happy,

            doing whatever it is you do in life, your children will be happy too.  

           

I've been a mom for 9 years. I have two sons ages 8 and 9. I've been through the wars of working vs stay at home moms. I've had friends deeply hurt when others question their decision to leave their kids with babysitter while they work. I've had stay at home mom friends hurt when working moms question their value.  

I have now lived in both camps.   And guess what – it’s the same.   If you are not happy what you are doing in life, right now, stop complaining and do something.   A label does not define your happiness.   Successful lawyer mom.   School homeroom stay at home mom.   Your happiness is defined by yourself.   You can be happy wherever you are in life.    Whatever you are doing.   It’s how you connect with the moment.  

Since I’ve been a stay at home mom, I’m finding pleasure in the smallest things.   They make me so happy.   Take my garage.   It was the refuge for old toys, every single ball we own (about 100), enough pop for the Zombie apocalypse.   I would always trip trying to get anything in the garage.  It would look like I was playing Twister in the garage just to get leaf bags.  

I have spent about 15 hours cleaning and organizing the garage.   I’ve taken a leaf blower to it and blew out every single cobweb and dirt pile.   I put all the tennis balls in one container and the baseballs in another.   

Sometimes I open the door to the garage just to admire my work. I actually pulled my husband in to see it,  “Hey honey, look how good the garage looks!”   My husband gave me the strangest look.   He was happy because I was happy.  Plus he likes the garage organized.  

Organizing a garage is a bit different than cross-examining a police officer. Yet I feel the same contentment with a job well done with both activities.

Zen can be found anywhere.  When raking leaves, admire the leaves’ color.   The beginning of a new season.   Feel the crisp autumn air.   When folding clothes, feel the softness of your child’s  pajamas.   Laugh when you pick up the shirt they wore for picture day.   Feel what you are doing. Get into the rhythm of life. This is where contentment lives.

“If you don’t feel it, forget it.”  Waylon Jennings

These are words to live by no matter what we are doing.   Feel every part of the day.   Connect with it. 

We all have choices in how we want to live. We can either bitch or do something. I've always liked actions more than words. Plus I've heard bitching gives you wrinkles.

When is YOUR Next Lollipop Moment?

I love the comments to my blog.   It shows me that people are reading.  What good is it to write if nobody reads?   Another benefit is getting turned on to new ideas. 

One such idea are Lollipop moments.    A colleague, Marla McCowan, turned me onto Drew Dudley’s TEDTalk about “Leading with Lollipops.”   Watch it on YouTube www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVCBrkrFrBE.   It’s only 6 minutes.   And it will remind you how powerful we are when we connect.

What is a Lollipop moment?   It’s a moment in our lives where we have made someone’s life better.   It could be a large or small.   No matter the size of the impact, each one of us has been the catalyst for a lollipop moment.  You have made somebody’s life better.   If you think you have not been the catalyst for Lollipop moment, you are just one of the people who haven’t been acknowledged yet.   This is what needs to be changed.

Drew Dudley’s Lollipop moment is a forgotten one from college.  Drew was welcoming new students.   There was a freshman girl, scared and ready to quit before she started.   Drew gave a lollipop to a man standing next to the scared woman.  Drew told that man, “Give that lollipop to the beautiful girl who is right next to you.”  Five years later, Drew received an invitation to this couple’s wedding.

The sad part is that Drew did not remember this moment.   No one acknowledged that lollipop leadership moment, including Drew himself, until years later when the moment was already forgotten.

Why don’t we embrace all our Lollipop moments?   One of the reasons is that we have a hard time accepting that we are powerful enough to be leaders.   It is scary to think we matter that much to other people.   It feels arrogant to say you are a leader.   It is a lot of pressure to be a leader.

If we just change our thinking about leadership, we can feel more connected.   Leadership is not just for presidents.   We all lead, everyday.  We just don’t realize or acknowledge it.   Leaders are in everyday moments. 

What if each day, we took a moment, and let another person know how they have enriched your life.   It only takes a few minutes.   Just think of how you would feel if you received a note each day.  

I received such a note over the weekend.   It made me feel good.   I teach trial skills at Trial Lawyers College founded by legendary trial attorney #GerrySpence.  While a student at Trial Lawyers College, Carl Bettinger, an attorney, introduced me to improv.   I fell in love with it.   I see the benefits of it.   It helps with listening and reacting in the moment without a script.   Essential tools as a trial attorney, and for anyone for that matter.   And it is just plain fun.   You feel like a kid again.

I have taught improv at Trial Lawyers College.   I love to introduce it to people.   Most are timid at first.   I never understood why.   I think it’s the fear of judgment.   What if I they think I’m not funny?  What if I look stupid?   What if I don’t know what to say next?   It’s easier to not play, than to take the risk.

Many do take the risk.   They jump in and receive much in return.   Over the weekend, a day after I watched the Lollipop TedTalk, I received this note from a former student who is a practicing trial attorney:

         Dear Cheryl:

         Tonight I performed in my third improv show this year. 

            And I wanted to take a minute to thank you.

            Playing games that you and Kim [Benjamin] lead at the

            ranch [Trial Lawyers College] really moved me to learn

            more about improv. It took me awhile to get involved,

            but I've taken several classes this year and am having

            a great time.

            There is a great improv community here in OKC and I'm            

            amazed at how similar the concepts of successful improv

            and TLC [Trial Lawyers College] are.

            I hope that you have a glorious sabbatical.

            Your Brother,

            Jacob

Jacob’s words touched me greatly.    It meant so much to know that my actions, three hours of my life, touched another person for the better.   To know that I inspired Jacob to take improv classes and to know he is enjoying them, makes me feel connected to Jacob.   I also feel connected to Carl Bettinger, who first introduced me to improv.  I feel connected to Trial Lawyers College where I get a chance to play with other attorneys.

How to Have More Lollipop Moments

How do we have more Lollipop moments?   How do we grow more connected with each other everyday?  Isn’t that the purpose of life?  Well, it’s actually quite easy. As Drew Dudley says, it only takes three things:

1.  Create Lollipop moments

            We must embrace our innate leader.   We all lead.   Share your passion and

            talent with others.   It doesn’t have to be talent in rocket science.   It can be

            your talent for gardening .   For music, either playing or fan.   When we

            speak from passion and talent, we inspire Lollipop moments.   Others

            feel us and jump into the moment with us.   Just like Jacob did during improv.

            He had never played before.   Complete novice.   But he jumped into the fun of                                       

            it.

2.  Acknowledge Lollipop moments

            Tell the person how their action affected you for the better.   It can be

            anything.   How wonderful does it feel to know somebody is thinking about

            you?   That he or she is remembering a past interaction and how it impacts

            them now.   It’s leadership.  It’s connection.   When you tell another how they

            helped you, you also inspire them to do the next step…

3.  Pay Lollipops forward

           

            When you receive an acknowledgment note of appreciation, use those good feelings 

            to pay it forward.   Write a note of your own.   Go out and connect

            with someone.   Lead a meeting, neighborhood function or a family vacation.              

            When you act with passion, you will lead and inspire.  

Lick more Lollipops!   Enjoy, lead and connect.