October 8, 2014

My leap into living in the moment, everyday 

(and my very first blog entry!)

“And most of us, most days, still want to quit our jobs and drive all night, just to see where we end up.” 

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

YES!  This describes me right now.  I am a trial attorney and practice solely criminal defense.   For 18 years, I have loved my job.   Started as a public defender and have grown a successful practice.  I am respected in the legal community.   I have helped many people.   I love being in a courtroom and telling client’s stories.  Yet today, I feel like Kerouac.  

So, I am listening to my intuition and desire.  

I am taking action.  I am taking a leap into living in the moment.   Challenging myself to connect with somebody or something each day of my life for the next year.  

“I had nothing to offer anybody, except my own confusion”

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

YES!   I felt like this.   My job was killing my spirit.  I had thrown myself into my career.   My husband and two sons, ages 8 and 9, were secondary.   It is hard to see the truth sometimes.

I was not so much confused like Kerouac as I was single minded.  Maybe they are the same – confusion and single mindedness.  One becomes confused in other areas of their life if they are single minded.  They got a handle in one area while the rest of life spins out of control.   Utter confusion.   

For me, I had nothing to offer anyone except my client, #TedWafer.   He was charged with murder for shooting a teenage girl on his front porch in the middle of the night.  He was looking at life in prison.   I was his lawyer.   I took the responsibility very seriously.   This case got international attention.  The world was watching.  We had the ghost of #TrayvonMartin and #AndrewZimmerman floating in the courtroom.  A 55-year-old man relied on me to save him.   I vowed to do that.  My vow to my client outweighed my vows to my husband and the sons we had together.

From November, 2013 to August, 2014, I was single minded.   All I thought about and most of what I did involved the case.  As the trial grew closer, I asked my husband if I was obsessed.   He paused, and responded, “You are single minded.”  He was gently telling me that all my energy was directed in one place.   That place was not at home.

I became hard on everyone around me.   I couldn’t focus on everyday activities.  When I walked my sons to the bus stop, I was thinking of things I had to do on the case.   I was not present with my sons.   I rushed bedtime.   I wanted them to get to sleep so I could work on my case.   I lengthened my hours at the office.   I never got home in time for dinner. 

One of the turning points is when I heard my boys call my client by his first name.  Ted.  They never met him yet he was the fifth member of our house.   Another ghost.   My boys asked me to stop talking about the case in front of them.   They grew tired of it.  Everyone grew tired of it.   My father, my co-counsel, grew tired of it I think.   I drove everyone insane.  

I found a small group of people that were as focused as me.   They became the trial team.   And my support group.   We shared the same single mindedness.   We put all our energy into working on the case.   Problem was they are not my family.   They are 15-24 years younger than me.   None are married or have kids.   They are great friends with great potential.  I want to be their mentor.   Instead of being their mentor, I leaned on them for support.   I had mixed roles with everything in my life.  

This past month, I finally stepped back.  I asked myself, “Are you happy with your job?”   Answer - No.   A  bit of a shock as I’ve always loved my job.   So the next question.  “Is there something else you desire in life?”   YES!   “What is it that you desire?”  Connections.  With my family.   With my friends.  With the world that is front of me at that moment.

What should I do then?  The answer was easy.

“I was surprised, as always, be how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt. The world was suddenly rich with possibility.”

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

YES!  Two weeks ago, I gave up my office.   I have loved that office for the past two years.  It was the first office that I paid rent. I hired my first assistant.   I had an officemate that I enjoyed being with.  But all of that did not make me happy anymore.

To put my career one hold was an easy choice.   I didn’t mull it over.  I have lived most of my life as an indecisive person.   I remember pre-kids.  My husband and I would spend two hours at Home Depot picking out the right cabinet knobs.  As I get older, I realize I am wasting my life mulling over decisions that don't mean much and should be instinctual. 

Three months prior to my decision, I talked to my husband about taking a sabbatical.  He was supportive.   We could probably handle it financially.   One day at the office, about two weeks after the guilty verdict in my case, I was stressed by something that didn’t really matter in a case.  So I made a choice.   I cried right in front of my computer.  They were happy tears.   A release.   I will be a stay at home mom.  

If I didn’t have kids, I would jump in the car and travel.   First, I would go to Nashville.   Music lives in Nashville and makes me feel alive.  Second, I would go to the mountains of Wyoming.  Nature and wonder is alive in Wyoming.  It makes me feel connected to the earth.  Then I would jump into the unknown.   I would travel to countries I’ve never been to.   I would have adventures.  

Since I have two sons, I can’t just jump in the car and hit the road.  They have school.  Football practice.  Best friends.   We need more stability than an open road.   But we can still have adventures.   

This will be the year of travel.  We just have to do it around school.   We are going to Puerto Rico over Thanksgiving, California and hopefully Rose Bowl (go Michigan State Spartans!) over New Year’s, China over Spring Break.   We are all excited.   To have travel adventures with the three people who mean the most to me is exhilarating.

I want to live a life where I connect with others and the world.  No pre-planning.   Live in the moment.   There is so much to connect with each day that I have overlooked.   I was too busy to notice.[1] No more looking at Iphone when a person is sitting next to me at a table.   Be in the moment.

By being in the moment for the past few weeks, I feel happier.   It is because I feel more connected.   My 8 year old started a new school this year.   It was a big transition and he left his best friend at his old school.   One morning while I was driving to school, he told me he was a little scared.  We talked about it.   My intentions were focused on him (and driving, don’t worry).   We had a two-minute conversation that connected both of us to each other.   He said he liked the new school and wanted to stay there.   I felt happy that he talked to me about his feelings and that I listened.

So I am taking a big leap into the unknown.  I want to share it all with you.   I will challenge myself to make a connection each day.   Some moment during the day, that is unexpected, that I can say, YES, and connect with another person or the world.  

I will strive to be in the moment as a stay at home mom.   To set the example for my boys that play is fun.   I want to play.   With them.   In Spanish class, my son told me about a fun learning game that reminded me of improv.   I love improv and believe it is a way I should live my life from now on.  My son sees the joy in it too.

Will you come share the adventure of the moment and unknown with me for the next year?  I hope you say, “YES!”

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[1] One thing I have learned in past year is that I HATE the word busy.   As a disclaimer, I have used it in the past.   I am reforming.   And you all know reformed people are the craziest.   So I may take the next tongue that utters that word.   More on this in upcoming blog article.  No, not how I dismember a person but the curse of busyness.