Mom vs Mom – Never Ending War

It's another battle of mom vs mom.  It’s a war that never ends.   Been around since beginning of time.   Who is a better mom?  Whose children are the most intelligent and beautiful?  Who does the job the best?  Who in the rat’s ass cares?!   

I read a blog entry by a stay at home mom yesterday. www.lifetimemoms.com/parenting/stay-home-moms-shut-up  The author, a stay at home mom, raised a new, uninteresting, battle.   #lifetimemoms.  Stay at home mom vs stay at home mom. The writer of this blog is frustrated with stay at home moms who complain how hard their lives are. How they have to be chauffeur, cook and accountant every day. The writer tells the other moms to shut up and do something.

I disagree with how this writer wants to pit mom vs mom.   But I agree with one thing- Stop Complaining and Do Something. If you are not happy, change how you're living. Do something different. Take a risk.

Would you rather spend energy complaining about what is, or take action for what could be.

            The real question is:   Are you happy?  Because if you are happy,

            doing whatever it is you do in life, your children will be happy too.  

           

I've been a mom for 9 years. I have two sons ages 8 and 9. I've been through the wars of working vs stay at home moms. I've had friends deeply hurt when others question their decision to leave their kids with babysitter while they work. I've had stay at home mom friends hurt when working moms question their value.  

I have now lived in both camps.   And guess what – it’s the same.   If you are not happy what you are doing in life, right now, stop complaining and do something.   A label does not define your happiness.   Successful lawyer mom.   School homeroom stay at home mom.   Your happiness is defined by yourself.   You can be happy wherever you are in life.    Whatever you are doing.   It’s how you connect with the moment.  

Since I’ve been a stay at home mom, I’m finding pleasure in the smallest things.   They make me so happy.   Take my garage.   It was the refuge for old toys, every single ball we own (about 100), enough pop for the Zombie apocalypse.   I would always trip trying to get anything in the garage.  It would look like I was playing Twister in the garage just to get leaf bags.  

I have spent about 15 hours cleaning and organizing the garage.   I’ve taken a leaf blower to it and blew out every single cobweb and dirt pile.   I put all the tennis balls in one container and the baseballs in another.   

Sometimes I open the door to the garage just to admire my work. I actually pulled my husband in to see it,  “Hey honey, look how good the garage looks!”   My husband gave me the strangest look.   He was happy because I was happy.  Plus he likes the garage organized.  

Organizing a garage is a bit different than cross-examining a police officer. Yet I feel the same contentment with a job well done with both activities.

Zen can be found anywhere.  When raking leaves, admire the leaves’ color.   The beginning of a new season.   Feel the crisp autumn air.   When folding clothes, feel the softness of your child’s  pajamas.   Laugh when you pick up the shirt they wore for picture day.   Feel what you are doing. Get into the rhythm of life. This is where contentment lives.

“If you don’t feel it, forget it.”  Waylon Jennings

These are words to live by no matter what we are doing.   Feel every part of the day.   Connect with it. 

We all have choices in how we want to live. We can either bitch or do something. I've always liked actions more than words. Plus I've heard bitching gives you wrinkles.

When is YOUR Next Lollipop Moment?

I love the comments to my blog.   It shows me that people are reading.  What good is it to write if nobody reads?   Another benefit is getting turned on to new ideas. 

One such idea are Lollipop moments.    A colleague, Marla McCowan, turned me onto Drew Dudley’s TEDTalk about “Leading with Lollipops.”   Watch it on YouTube www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVCBrkrFrBE.   It’s only 6 minutes.   And it will remind you how powerful we are when we connect.

What is a Lollipop moment?   It’s a moment in our lives where we have made someone’s life better.   It could be a large or small.   No matter the size of the impact, each one of us has been the catalyst for a lollipop moment.  You have made somebody’s life better.   If you think you have not been the catalyst for Lollipop moment, you are just one of the people who haven’t been acknowledged yet.   This is what needs to be changed.

Drew Dudley’s Lollipop moment is a forgotten one from college.  Drew was welcoming new students.   There was a freshman girl, scared and ready to quit before she started.   Drew gave a lollipop to a man standing next to the scared woman.  Drew told that man, “Give that lollipop to the beautiful girl who is right next to you.”  Five years later, Drew received an invitation to this couple’s wedding.

The sad part is that Drew did not remember this moment.   No one acknowledged that lollipop leadership moment, including Drew himself, until years later when the moment was already forgotten.

Why don’t we embrace all our Lollipop moments?   One of the reasons is that we have a hard time accepting that we are powerful enough to be leaders.   It is scary to think we matter that much to other people.   It feels arrogant to say you are a leader.   It is a lot of pressure to be a leader.

If we just change our thinking about leadership, we can feel more connected.   Leadership is not just for presidents.   We all lead, everyday.  We just don’t realize or acknowledge it.   Leaders are in everyday moments. 

What if each day, we took a moment, and let another person know how they have enriched your life.   It only takes a few minutes.   Just think of how you would feel if you received a note each day.  

I received such a note over the weekend.   It made me feel good.   I teach trial skills at Trial Lawyers College founded by legendary trial attorney #GerrySpence.  While a student at Trial Lawyers College, Carl Bettinger, an attorney, introduced me to improv.   I fell in love with it.   I see the benefits of it.   It helps with listening and reacting in the moment without a script.   Essential tools as a trial attorney, and for anyone for that matter.   And it is just plain fun.   You feel like a kid again.

I have taught improv at Trial Lawyers College.   I love to introduce it to people.   Most are timid at first.   I never understood why.   I think it’s the fear of judgment.   What if I they think I’m not funny?  What if I look stupid?   What if I don’t know what to say next?   It’s easier to not play, than to take the risk.

Many do take the risk.   They jump in and receive much in return.   Over the weekend, a day after I watched the Lollipop TedTalk, I received this note from a former student who is a practicing trial attorney:

         Dear Cheryl:

         Tonight I performed in my third improv show this year. 

            And I wanted to take a minute to thank you.

            Playing games that you and Kim [Benjamin] lead at the

            ranch [Trial Lawyers College] really moved me to learn

            more about improv. It took me awhile to get involved,

            but I've taken several classes this year and am having

            a great time.

            There is a great improv community here in OKC and I'm            

            amazed at how similar the concepts of successful improv

            and TLC [Trial Lawyers College] are.

            I hope that you have a glorious sabbatical.

            Your Brother,

            Jacob

Jacob’s words touched me greatly.    It meant so much to know that my actions, three hours of my life, touched another person for the better.   To know that I inspired Jacob to take improv classes and to know he is enjoying them, makes me feel connected to Jacob.   I also feel connected to Carl Bettinger, who first introduced me to improv.  I feel connected to Trial Lawyers College where I get a chance to play with other attorneys.

How to Have More Lollipop Moments

How do we have more Lollipop moments?   How do we grow more connected with each other everyday?  Isn’t that the purpose of life?  Well, it’s actually quite easy. As Drew Dudley says, it only takes three things:

1.  Create Lollipop moments

            We must embrace our innate leader.   We all lead.   Share your passion and

            talent with others.   It doesn’t have to be talent in rocket science.   It can be

            your talent for gardening .   For music, either playing or fan.   When we

            speak from passion and talent, we inspire Lollipop moments.   Others

            feel us and jump into the moment with us.   Just like Jacob did during improv.

            He had never played before.   Complete novice.   But he jumped into the fun of                                       

            it.

2.  Acknowledge Lollipop moments

            Tell the person how their action affected you for the better.   It can be

            anything.   How wonderful does it feel to know somebody is thinking about

            you?   That he or she is remembering a past interaction and how it impacts

            them now.   It’s leadership.  It’s connection.   When you tell another how they

            helped you, you also inspire them to do the next step…

3.  Pay Lollipops forward

           

            When you receive an acknowledgment note of appreciation, use those good feelings 

            to pay it forward.   Write a note of your own.   Go out and connect

            with someone.   Lead a meeting, neighborhood function or a family vacation.              

            When you act with passion, you will lead and inspire.  

Lick more Lollipops!   Enjoy, lead and connect.

When is YOUR next Lollipop moment?- Drew Dudley "Leading with Lollipops"

Joy of Joining – Neighborhood Morning Bus Stop

October 9, 2014

I’ll admit it.   I never thought I would be a stay at home mom. I needed to go to work.  I yearned for my other identity – criminal defense attorney.   There were times I thought I’d lose my mind as a mom to two rambunctious sons born just 12 months apart.  Those baby and toddler years are exhausting.  I was close to an involuntary commitment after two years of standing next to them, clapping and talking in a baby voice, as they slid down the slide… Again, again and again.  

I’m a lot like my mom in terms of career.   My mom was the only woman in upper management in the automobile industry in the 1980’s.   She was a trailblazer.   She was also a teacher, news reporter and poet.   She told me that before I was born, she was home with my brother who was about 5 years old.   My mom was not working at the time for some reason.   She was mopping the floor, and my brother ran across it, dirtying it up.   My mom, who never raises her voice, raised her voice at that moment.  My brother stopped, and told Mom, “You are nicer when you work.”   That single statement from my brother has stayed in my mom’s mind ever since.  

My sons would have said this about me too.   Before I opened my eyes and saw the joy I was missing in everyday moments.

            “Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy.  

            Joy is not a constant.  It comes to us in moments –

            often ordinary moments.  Sometimes we miss out

            on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy

            chasing down extraordinary moments.” 

              Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection. 

I fell in love with Brene Brown after watching one of her TED Talks.  She is vulnerable psychological based researcher.   She speaks about connection and living a wholehearted life.   To live in the moment.   So I am doing just that each morning.  In an ordinary moment we all share if we have school-aged children.

Today’s connection was at the morning bus stop.   I am challenging myself to find a connection each day.   With someone or something.   I want to share it with all of you.   To be encouragement that we can all live in the moment, no matter our profession or state of life.  

So, back to the bus stop.  Since the beginning of the school year, my 9 year old has had new bus stop.   It’s a block farther from our house.   They consolidated bus stops.   When I found out about this, I was annoyed, “Damn, now I have to walk to the bus stop.  This is such a pain.”  Last year, the bus stopped right next to our house.   I didn’t have to leave the house in the morning.   This year, I drive my 8-year old to his new school, as there are no buses in the morning.  Then I walk my 9-year old to the bus stop two blocks away.  

Guess what?  This has become one of my favorite parts of the day.   It starts with the drive to school with Dylan.   It’s uninterrupted one on one time.   We talk.   He is fascinating now that I’m listening without distractions.   Dylan has a great suggestion for all kids who want to get picked when raising their hand at school.   Dylan showed me how he does it – arm straight up, not moving and looking the teacher right in eye.   Dylan then showed me how other kids do it – hand wildly waiving over his head and saying ooh, ooh, me, me.   Dylan asked me, “Who would you rather pick on?  Me or a kid who is hyper?”   I nodded in agreement.   I’m an adjunct law school trial skills professor.   I pick on the students like Dylan.   Dylan looked at me with a smile and said, “It works every time.” 

When I get back home, Bradley and Tiger, our standard poodle, get ready to walk to the bus stop.   Bradley loves this time and so do I.   Tiger, the most intelligent dog ever, instinctually knows the time to leave each morning.

What I enjoy most of this is the other moms that I connect with at the bus stop.   There are six moms and a gaggle of kids – about ten of them.  Plus the dogs.

Each morning, we say hi.   We talk about school or what is going on at home.   We laugh at what our kids are doing while waiting for the bus.  We share frustrations, especially about that dang gravel road that put down in our neighborhood.   We look out for each other.   If one of us is missing, we look for them and alert Miss Judy, the bus driver.   Miss Judy will slow down the bus when passing by the child’s house just in case they are running late.  

It is very comforting.   It is joy through connection in an ordinary moment.   I am finally connected to the moms of the kids on Bradley’s school bus.   Shouldn’t have done this earlier?  These women are an essential part of my life through my son.   I may not see them all the time but the connection with them connects me to a larger sense connection in the neighborhood and school. 

This morning I shared with the ladies that I had started a blog.   I had already shared that I was taking a sabbatical.   One of their husbands helped me with trial prep in my murder case.   That was first time I really had talked to him.   Now I get to connect with his wife and my neighbors each morning.  

What I take away most from the morning bus stop is that everyday, ordinary moments in life can be joyous if we are not too busy to notice them.   Try to truly live in the moment.  I haven’t thought about one case at the bus stop this year.   I am not distracted, I am connected. 

This may seem too simple.  How does being in the moment at the bus stop help me in my life?   Think about it.   Those minutes at the bus stop, the ritual and connection each school day, bonds us together.   It makes us feel apart of something larger.  That feeling can last all day if we stay in the moment.  

Who or what did you connect with today?   Do share…

Stay tuned for tomorrow.  Yesterday after my first blog entry, I was asked to be a judge in a national trial competition for law students.   I will judging law students during a trial they prepared for at the Federal Courthouse in Detroit.   Guess what case facts this national law school competition is using?  People State of Michigan v Ted Wafer.   My case.   I just found out that one of the prosecutors from the trial will be a judge tomorrow too.   So surreal.   And example of being open to unexpected events.   I did not have anything planned Friday except for the bus stop.   So tomorrow morning I will be judging law students while they argue as prosecutors and defense lawyers my most recent murder trial.   That I lost...

October 8, 2014

My leap into living in the moment, everyday 

(and my very first blog entry!)

“And most of us, most days, still want to quit our jobs and drive all night, just to see where we end up.” 

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

YES!  This describes me right now.  I am a trial attorney and practice solely criminal defense.   For 18 years, I have loved my job.   Started as a public defender and have grown a successful practice.  I am respected in the legal community.   I have helped many people.   I love being in a courtroom and telling client’s stories.  Yet today, I feel like Kerouac.  

So, I am listening to my intuition and desire.  

I am taking action.  I am taking a leap into living in the moment.   Challenging myself to connect with somebody or something each day of my life for the next year.  

“I had nothing to offer anybody, except my own confusion”

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

YES!   I felt like this.   My job was killing my spirit.  I had thrown myself into my career.   My husband and two sons, ages 8 and 9, were secondary.   It is hard to see the truth sometimes.

I was not so much confused like Kerouac as I was single minded.  Maybe they are the same – confusion and single mindedness.  One becomes confused in other areas of their life if they are single minded.  They got a handle in one area while the rest of life spins out of control.   Utter confusion.   

For me, I had nothing to offer anyone except my client, #TedWafer.   He was charged with murder for shooting a teenage girl on his front porch in the middle of the night.  He was looking at life in prison.   I was his lawyer.   I took the responsibility very seriously.   This case got international attention.  The world was watching.  We had the ghost of #TrayvonMartin and #AndrewZimmerman floating in the courtroom.  A 55-year-old man relied on me to save him.   I vowed to do that.  My vow to my client outweighed my vows to my husband and the sons we had together.

From November, 2013 to August, 2014, I was single minded.   All I thought about and most of what I did involved the case.  As the trial grew closer, I asked my husband if I was obsessed.   He paused, and responded, “You are single minded.”  He was gently telling me that all my energy was directed in one place.   That place was not at home.

I became hard on everyone around me.   I couldn’t focus on everyday activities.  When I walked my sons to the bus stop, I was thinking of things I had to do on the case.   I was not present with my sons.   I rushed bedtime.   I wanted them to get to sleep so I could work on my case.   I lengthened my hours at the office.   I never got home in time for dinner. 

One of the turning points is when I heard my boys call my client by his first name.  Ted.  They never met him yet he was the fifth member of our house.   Another ghost.   My boys asked me to stop talking about the case in front of them.   They grew tired of it.  Everyone grew tired of it.   My father, my co-counsel, grew tired of it I think.   I drove everyone insane.  

I found a small group of people that were as focused as me.   They became the trial team.   And my support group.   We shared the same single mindedness.   We put all our energy into working on the case.   Problem was they are not my family.   They are 15-24 years younger than me.   None are married or have kids.   They are great friends with great potential.  I want to be their mentor.   Instead of being their mentor, I leaned on them for support.   I had mixed roles with everything in my life.  

This past month, I finally stepped back.  I asked myself, “Are you happy with your job?”   Answer - No.   A  bit of a shock as I’ve always loved my job.   So the next question.  “Is there something else you desire in life?”   YES!   “What is it that you desire?”  Connections.  With my family.   With my friends.  With the world that is front of me at that moment.

What should I do then?  The answer was easy.

“I was surprised, as always, be how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt. The world was suddenly rich with possibility.”

― Jack Kerouac, On the Road

YES!  Two weeks ago, I gave up my office.   I have loved that office for the past two years.  It was the first office that I paid rent. I hired my first assistant.   I had an officemate that I enjoyed being with.  But all of that did not make me happy anymore.

To put my career one hold was an easy choice.   I didn’t mull it over.  I have lived most of my life as an indecisive person.   I remember pre-kids.  My husband and I would spend two hours at Home Depot picking out the right cabinet knobs.  As I get older, I realize I am wasting my life mulling over decisions that don't mean much and should be instinctual. 

Three months prior to my decision, I talked to my husband about taking a sabbatical.  He was supportive.   We could probably handle it financially.   One day at the office, about two weeks after the guilty verdict in my case, I was stressed by something that didn’t really matter in a case.  So I made a choice.   I cried right in front of my computer.  They were happy tears.   A release.   I will be a stay at home mom.  

If I didn’t have kids, I would jump in the car and travel.   First, I would go to Nashville.   Music lives in Nashville and makes me feel alive.  Second, I would go to the mountains of Wyoming.  Nature and wonder is alive in Wyoming.  It makes me feel connected to the earth.  Then I would jump into the unknown.   I would travel to countries I’ve never been to.   I would have adventures.  

Since I have two sons, I can’t just jump in the car and hit the road.  They have school.  Football practice.  Best friends.   We need more stability than an open road.   But we can still have adventures.   

This will be the year of travel.  We just have to do it around school.   We are going to Puerto Rico over Thanksgiving, California and hopefully Rose Bowl (go Michigan State Spartans!) over New Year’s, China over Spring Break.   We are all excited.   To have travel adventures with the three people who mean the most to me is exhilarating.

I want to live a life where I connect with others and the world.  No pre-planning.   Live in the moment.   There is so much to connect with each day that I have overlooked.   I was too busy to notice.[1] No more looking at Iphone when a person is sitting next to me at a table.   Be in the moment.

By being in the moment for the past few weeks, I feel happier.   It is because I feel more connected.   My 8 year old started a new school this year.   It was a big transition and he left his best friend at his old school.   One morning while I was driving to school, he told me he was a little scared.  We talked about it.   My intentions were focused on him (and driving, don’t worry).   We had a two-minute conversation that connected both of us to each other.   He said he liked the new school and wanted to stay there.   I felt happy that he talked to me about his feelings and that I listened.

So I am taking a big leap into the unknown.  I want to share it all with you.   I will challenge myself to make a connection each day.   Some moment during the day, that is unexpected, that I can say, YES, and connect with another person or the world.  

I will strive to be in the moment as a stay at home mom.   To set the example for my boys that play is fun.   I want to play.   With them.   In Spanish class, my son told me about a fun learning game that reminded me of improv.   I love improv and believe it is a way I should live my life from now on.  My son sees the joy in it too.

Will you come share the adventure of the moment and unknown with me for the next year?  I hope you say, “YES!”

---

[1] One thing I have learned in past year is that I HATE the word busy.   As a disclaimer, I have used it in the past.   I am reforming.   And you all know reformed people are the craziest.   So I may take the next tongue that utters that word.   More on this in upcoming blog article.  No, not how I dismember a person but the curse of busyness.